Even If I Die...
by Enishichan
Summary: Heero and Duo find themselves making new choices about their relationship after one fateful night...
1. Even If I Die... part 1

Even If I Die  
part 1  
  
_~heero~_  
  
/He's next to me.. I can tell.. I'd recognize the chestnut brown braid lying across my arm anywhere./ My eyes began to flutter open as I slowly became conscious and some of the events of the night before floated into my mind. /Of course he is next to me../ I remembered that I'd fallen asleep in his arms. I fully opened my eyes and very, very slowly tried to turn my head to look at the boy behind me. /Argh.. why does he have to cling so tightly?/ He was holding me so that I could not even turn my head much. /Oh well, guess I'll just go back to sleep./ I began to drift off again when I heard a small choking noise. A closer listen revealed that it was the sound of quiet sobbing. I tried again to move. I wanted to turn and take him in -my- arms and comfort him, but the more I moved, the tighter he held on to me. It almost seemed he was afraid to let go, even for a minute. I pondered that for a moment, then decided to just let him hold on.   
I didn't go to sleep for awhile after that. I just lay awake and listened to him.. to my angel.. until he stopped crying and settled back down, still sniffling a bit, but otherwise okay. Before I slipped off to unconsciousness, I noted that he still hadn't loosened his hold on me.   
  
_~duo~  
  
_Oh god.. I had those dreams again. I knew that I probably squeezed him to within an inch of his life, but I couldn't help it. Those damn dreams are so realistic.. I can hear everything, see everything.. hell, I can even smell everything. I usually woke up screaming from them, but this time I didn't. I just clung to my only lifeline and hoped that it would see me through it all. I looked down at the disheveled brown mop of hair on top of his head. /You idiot. You can't even begin to know what you mean to me./ I immediately took that thought back. Of course he didn't know; I hadn't told him. /I love you, you know. You may think I am this happy-go-lucky, life-loving guy, but.../ I couldn't even finish the -thought-.. how could I -tell- him? Tears began to form at the corners of my eyes again. I could just imagine it.. I'd tell him. I'd bare my entire soul to him. And what would I get in return? A ''hn'', perhaps accompanied by those prussian blue eyes glaring at me as if to say 'You idiot. Leave me alone.' /I'm so afraid. This is it for me. My last stab at it.. If you don't love me.../ The tears silently fell from my eyes, dampening the pillow and the part of his hair my chin was resting in. I hoped he couldn't feel it. I really didn't want to wake him. At least I didn't make any noise this time.  
  
_~heero~  
  
_I woke up once more. /He's crying again./ I frowned. I wished he would talk to me instead of keeping it inside. /Am I so intimidating?/ No, that couldn't be it. No matter how I'd ever acted toward him, he'd never been intimidated by me. /Why won't he talk to me, then?/ He'd babble endlessly about any stupid topic, but he wouldn't tell me what made him cry in his sleep. Not that I'd ever asked.. /Maybe I should. Maybe he needs me to ask, rather than just be a sounding board. Maybe he needs to know that I care, and that I'm not just half-listening like I do sometimes./ I finally noticed a slight loosening of his grip on me and I took that opportunity to try to turn. /Ah.. success!/ I managed, just barely, to twist around so that I faced him. I nearly gasped at the beautiful sight I was rewarded with. After I'd turned and settled into a comfortable position, his arms clamped together again, almost like he was afraid I was trying to leave. /I'd never leave you, my angel./ I moved my hand up to lightly caress his boyish face. How lovely he was when he was asleep. It was nearly dawn and the between-night-and-day light was peeking through the window above our heads. The pre-dawn silvery blue seemed to be attracted to his face, and only his face. I gazed at him wondrously as the mouth that never seemed to be closed when he was awake formed a cute little pout as he clutched at me possessively. Just as I'd thought, his illuminated face was shining, wet with tears. I wiped away his tears, then just watched him as he slept.  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Even If I Die... part 2

Even If I Die   
part 2  
  
_~duo~  
  
_The sunlight finally pried my eyes open. I looked down at the little bundle I held in my arms. /Heero.../ I was surprised that he wasn't awake already, but I happily found that if I loosened my arms and shifted a bit, I could watch his beautiful face as he slept. I was still amazed that he was even there. /How did this happen again, love? What strange destiny brought you to me last night?/ I knew he'd awakened during the night and I once felt him move against me. I'd slackened my hold on him just a little.. kind of a test, to see if he would leave. I really didn't want him to, but I knew that to try to keep him against his will was.. well.. a suicide mission. So I let go a little.. if he moved away from me, I'd unclasp my arms completely. /But he's still here./ A little while later I'd felt his hand on my cheek, gently wiping away my tears. I'd nearly cried at his soft touch, so full of caring. I hadn't wanted him to know I'd been crying, but he knew now. Too bad I could never tell him why.  
  
_~heero~_  
  
I was lying in his arms, pressed tightly against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. /This.. this is the steady rhythm that keeps me going. As long as this sound continues, my life shall be complete./ I wasn't asleep, though I knew he thought I was. I'd been awake for the past two hours, content to just listen to the pounding behind his ribs. Suddenly I felt him move away from me. I nearly panicked, but soon realised he hadn't left me. I listened to his soft breathing now, since he'd moved so that my head was no longer resting on his chest. He lay like that for awhile, watching me I think... I tried to remain in my seemingly unconscious state, but I couldn't take it anymore. He was awake now. I had to see him in the daylight. I quickly opened my eyes. I was right, he had thought I was asleep, for my sudden gaze startled him. He jumped a little and his perfect lips formed a tiny pout as a whispered 'oh!' escaped them. "Good morning, Duo" I said.. nearly calling him 'my angel. /I can't call him that out loud.. he'd laugh himself into a coma if I did../  
He didn't say a word, but his colbalt blue eyes bored into mine as we lay there in the silence. I didn't know what to say. I remembered falling asleep with him, but I couldn't remember why. /Oh god.. please don't let this be a mistake./ I wistfully remembered a night not too long before when he'd come home after having just a little too much to drink. That night I'd sat next to him as he slept, making sure he would be okay. He cried then too, and I wanted to take him in my arms and comfort him. But I didn't. /Please don't let that be what happened last night./ I hoped with all my heart that he had wanted me there. /Why is he staring at me like that? Is he wondering why I'm here?/  
_  
~duo~_  
  
His eyes flew open and suddenly those prussian blue pools were staring at me. "Good morning" I think he said, but truthfully I wasn't paying attention. I tried to hide it, but I just knew all the thoughts I'd been having, and all my feelings were being relayed to him through my wide open eyes. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just gazed at him. /Oh god, he's so beautiful./ I began to hope he could read my mind and extract the thoughts I so dearly wanted him to know. /I love you, I love you, I love you/ My mind was screaming, but my eyes stayed calm. I watched him and wondered what he was thinking. /Are you thinking about how to get out of this mess, Heero? Are you going to leave me?/ I sighed a little, closing my eyes. Once again I tried my little test. /If I let go now, Heero, will you leave? Or will you cling tighter?/ I hoped with all my heart that he'd stay as I pulled my arms apart.   
  
_~heero~  
_  
Hn. I supposed he wanted me to leave, since he closed his eyes in disgust and completely let go of me. /Argh Duo.. please don't do this to me./ I watched his face for awhile.. His eyes opened and he looked at me again, but he made no move to reclaim me in his embrace. My eyes quickly scanned his face. I couldn't find a thing. /I guess you really don't want me then, huh?/ I could feel my cheeks begin to burn as the water formed at the corners of my eyes. I quickly moved away from him, turned and left the bed. I blindly, but speedily made my way to the bathroom just as the tears began to fall.   
/He can't see me cry.. not now that I know... he doesn't care./ I turned the shower on and quickly threw my shorts off as the tears rolled down my face, unaccompanied by any sound.  
/Then what the hell was that about Duo??/ I stepped into the shower and let it run over me as I cursed him in my mind.  
  
  
  



	3. Even If I Die... part 3

_~duo~_  
  
He all but ran away from me. I felt so stupid. /Dammit! I should have known.../ I turned over, away from the bathroom, which I was facing. I didn't even want to see him when he came out. Shortly I heard the shower running. /Trying to totally get rid of me, then?/ I knew that was an irrational thought, he took a shower -every- morning... I couldn't stop it though, it was how I felt. Argh! He looked at me before he left.. I don't know why, but he almost immediately turned and left the bed.   
/I'll just go back to sleep. That way I don't even have to know he's here./ I nearly cried again, but this time I was consciously aware of it. And able to stop it. /Boys don't cry.../ I reminded myself of that one fact. I waited until the wave passed over me, then closed my eyes. Immediately I was bombarded with images of him. The last one I saw before I drifted off was also the last thing I saw the night before, just before I'd fallen asleep with him in my arms. /What a beautiful smile... my love./  
  
_~heero~_  
  
As the water splashed over me, everything I could remember about the night floated through my mind. As far as I could recall, he'd wanted me there with him. I remembered smiling at him as he fell asleep. If he hadn't wanted me, would I have even been there in the first place? I leaned against the wall directly under the showerhead. /Why did you cling to me so tightly if you only wanted me to go?/ I hit the wall with a fist. /Damn you, Duo! How dare you give me such hope, only to yank it away?/ I sat down on the floor, entirely engulfed in the water now, and I suddenly felt a pain I hadn't noticed before. I remained sitting there, evaluating this new pain. /Did we... did something.. happen?/ Suddenly I remembered and became very angry then. /Duo! How could you? Is that why I was there, then? Is that all you wanted from me?/ My cheeks became very hot as I pounded at the floor with my fists until they turned red and began to bleed. /I hate you! I hate you!/   
  
_~duo~_  
  
Well.. I couldn't stay asleep for long. Not knowing that he was still there, anyway. Turning slightly, I noted that the door was still shut and I still heard the water running. /Wow.. I know I wasn't asleep for long, but I know your showers are usually over by now. Was my 'irrational thought' right, then?/ I got out of bed and realised that I was still a bit sticky. Some little, weird part of me didn't want to wipe it off.. It seemed to be all I had left of him. All I had to remember that at one time I believed that he loved me, at least a little bit. /Heero.../ I found a little bit of paper next to the bed and cleaned myself off, then I got dressed, following the trail of clothes in reverse.. leading me to the door. I smoothed my hair out with my hands, a true exercise in futility. I didn't want to walk back into that room. I wanted to leave as quickly as possible, so I grabbed a brush off the end of the desk next to the door and exited the room. I pulled my key out of the pocket it was in and locked the door. /Oh Heero../ I plastered a smile on my face, then hopped down the stairs that led to the first floor of the apartment building. Opening the mailbox there, the smile dropped from my face for a second, then I quickly replaced it. There was a letter there. From Relena. /Will that make you happy, then?/ There were a few other things there for Heero, but as I didn't want to go back to that room, I decided to just leave them there for him to pick up later. I greeted a few neighbours who'd also come to check their mail, then skipped out the front door.  
_  
~heero~_  
  
I thought I heard the door, so I turned off the shower. Wrapping a towel around me, I sullenly left the shower and peeked into the room. Sure enough, he was gone. /Good../  
I made my way through the junk that covered his part of the room to my bed, noting my clothes on the floor in a little trail that led from the door to Duo's bed. Reluctantly I walked over and pulled back the bedspread.. searching for a confirmation, I guess, of what I thought happened. My hand rose to my mouth as I located the little white patches, that almost still looked wet and sticky, nearly covering the underlying sheet. I threw the bedspread back down and sat on my bed, my mind racing. /Hn.. so I was right. And you could still leave me?/ After awhile of deep thinking, I got up and went to the closet. I picked out a white tee-shirt and a pair of jeans and got dressed. Then I went to the door and picked up the little path of clothes. /So I truly mean nothing to you, Duo? Just a toy, huh?/ Sighing as I dumped the clothes into the basket near my desk, I began to remember more of what had happened that night. /You said you loved me... You didn't think I heard you, but I did. Was that a lie, Duo?/ I sat at my desk, studying my laptop and ignoring the pain as much as I could. I absentmindedly noted that Duo had just picked up the black tee-shirt and pants he'd had on last night and worn those out. /Were you in that much of a hurry to leave then?/ The phone rang. /No one has this number, it's probably a misdial then../ I ignored the phone and went back to studying the black and green screen in front of me.  
  
  



	4. Even If I Die... part 4

~duo~  
  
Pulling my hair out of the barely-recognizable braid it was in, I turned left as I exited the building and walked down the street yanking the brush through my hair. /Ow ow ow! Dammit!/ I stopped in front of a store, still dragging the brush through the tangles, but not as hard as before. /Hmm... I could go for an ice cream right now.. maybe./ I decided to go into the store and see what I could find for breakfast.   
I walked straight to the giant freezer in the back of the store.. a familiar place since I -love- the chocolate and vanilla ice cream in a cup that they sold there. I stopped brushing long enough to pick out a tiny plastic cup and pay for it. Before I left the store, I pulled my hair into a ponytail using my hairtie so that it wouldn't blow around and get more tangled while I ate my ice cream.   
Sitting under a large tree in the park near the apartments, I quietly enjoyed my breakfast. The sun wasn't quite beating down yet and there was a really nice breeze. I finished the ice cream and went back to fixing my hair, thinking about how lovely the day was going to be.   
  
~heero~  
  
The phone rang about six or seven times before it finally stopped. I stared at my computer's monitor for awhile, but I couldn't concentrate on what I was.. well I wouldn't call it reading since I didn't really see any of the words on the screen. I disgustedly closed my laptop and headed to my bed.   
Staring at the ceiling I could only think of him. /Duo.../ His face floated into my line of vision. I watched the cherubic face as it laughed at me. /I know... I know I'm an idiot./ I began to hate that face. /Still.. I can't believe you'd do this to me.../ I turned and buried my face into my pillow as the tears began to flow again. In the silence of the room all I could do was think. /You said you loved me! Why? To get me to do what you wanted?/   
Tears ran freely down my face, dampening my pillow. /No.. It was my fault. I can't blame you, Duo. I shouldn't have tried... I shouldn't have reached out. I should have known./ I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out everything around me. /Why did I even try? What made me think... -anyone- could... love... me? I should have.../ I beat my pillow with my bruised fists. /I should have known... I'm so stupid./ I knew.. I'd blinded myself. I let myself hope... And I shouldn't have given in...   
The phone rang again, but I hardly noticed as I cried myself to sleep.  
  
~duo~  
  
I stood and looked around. /Ahh it really is a beautiful day.. I should see if I can get Heero-- / I winced as I thought about him again. I hadn't meant to. I was just going to enjoy the day, not even thinking about venturing back to the apartment until long after he'd have been asleep. /Dammit.. And now you're ruining my day as well? Not that it could get any worse.../ Bitter thoughts followed his name in my mind. Trying to ignore them I walked down the street along the avenue that paralleled the park, braiding my now brushed and tangle-free hair as well as I could.  
Still thinking of him, I peeked into the shops. For some reason, every little thing I saw, I imagined Heero owning it. I sighed dejectedly and just let myself think of him. I decided that if I couldn't stop myself from doing so, I'd at least let my mind wander into fantasy.   
/Ah I think Heero would look great in that shirt! I should buy it for him.. as a birthday gift, of course. It'd be weird if I just bought him something out of nowhere!! Hmm, I don't even know when that is. Eh, I can pretend!/ And I laughed to myself, pretending that I'd not told Heero that I loved him. That we'd not slept together. That he'd not broken my heart.   
/Oh just wait, Heero Yuy. One day I'm gonna sweep you off your feet. I'm going to tell you that I love you. Right to your face. And loud too!!/ I nearly danced along the street. /And you're going to look at me, surprised at first.. But then you're going to say 'Duo, I love you too.' Oh!/ I flopped down onto a bench, lost in my delusional daydream. /It'll be perfect!/ I closed my eyes and let my mind wander over that pretty, bright coloured plain of denial.  
  
~heero~  
  
When I woke up the phone was ringing again. Or still ringing? I didn't know, nor did I care; I just barely heard it anyway. As if controlled by something else, I rolled over and picked up the handset, pressed a button down and set the handset on the table next to the phone. My blurry eyes stared at nothing.   
Sighing, I raised myself off of the bed and made my way back to the shower. /I can't do this anymore./ On the way, I grabbed a small metal object and held it in the palm of my hand, still in a daze. /Duo..../   
I reached the shower and turned it on, adjusting the temperature so that it would be comfortable. Still in a fog, I stepped under the stream of water and sat down, still fully clothed.  
  
  
  



	5. Even If I Die... part 5

~duo~  
  
Finally bored, I got up and wandered around the shops some more. For most of the day, I window-shopped, picking out things that I knew would be best for Heero, and thinking about the items I could wear myself in order to attract him more. Yes, I hadn't left that pretty land of denial behind on the bench.. I couldn't deal with reality just yet.  
I tired myself out, walking around so much. I really didn't want to go back to the apartment until I was sure he was asleep, though. Knowing Heero, he'd not go out, so his being asleep was my only hope of not having to talk to him when I got back. /So much work... maybe I should just talk to him.../ I couldn't bring myself to, however. Falling back into reality, harshly reminding myself just how much he must have hated me by then, I flopped onto the nearest bench. After sitting there awhile, head buried in my hands and thinking heavily, I fell asleep.   
When I finally awoke, it was rather dark out. I glanced at my watch, and noticing that it was after 10pm, I stood and began the walk back to the apartment. /Maybe he went to sleep early.../ I hoped so, I was exhausted, despite the nap on the bench.  
  
~heero~  
  
I emerged from the daze sitting in the shower, fully clothed, with a small blade in my hand. A panicked look froze my face as I dropped the blade. /What am I doing?/ I looked down at my now trembling hands. /Over that... that.../ My face crumpled again. I couldn't even stand to call him names anymore; any thought of him devastated me. I'd lived so long not feeling anything. Yes, I had emotions, at least ones that helped me perfect my skills as a soldier, but I'd never -felt- anything. Finally.... finally...   
I felt the tears once again. /What is this? Why am I crying so much? Do I really care for him that deeply?/ I knew that I did, though. I'd let myself learn to feel.   
How could I not, after the many months I'd worked by him? Even when I first met him, I felt something. I didn't know what it was, nor do I really know now, but it was something. Over the elapsed time, I began to know what it was like to actually care for someone. It took forever, and I was very confused at first as to what the feelings were, but finally, one day... /Damn you, Duo! You.../ My eyes clenched shut. I still couldn't bring myself to call him anything. Yes.. I loved him. I loved him greatly.  
/I don't know what to do anymore./ My mind suddenly began to race. I had no idea what to do. Everything had gone out of control. /If only I hadn't done.../ I realised that I still had no idea what had happened the night before. I didn't really care anymore, however, I just wished that I hadn't done it. /If only I had stayed away.. loved him from afar maybe.. but now../ Eyes now awash with tears, I blindly searched the shower floor for the blade. I'd been sitting there for hours, under the running water. I knew now what I needed in order to be happy.   
  
~duo~  
  
Finally arriving at our building, I checked the mailbox again. Heero had apparently not come to check it himself, his mail was still there. I pulled it out, not looking at it; I didn't want to see that letter from Relena again. Carelessly stuffing the mail into a pocket, I plastered on a smile and headed up the stairs. /Perhaps I'll take a shower before bed.../ I remembered that I hadn't taken one before I left and really needed one. Reaching the apartment I opened the door and threw the mail onto the desk beside it.   
A quick glance around the room told me that Heero wasn't in it. Of course, soon I noticed the shower running and figured he was in there. /Ugh.. he isn't asleep then.. obviously. Well.. I guess I'll go to sleep. Either way, me asleep, or him asleep.. I won't have to talk to him./  
I flopped onto my bed and kicked my boots off, falling asleep almost immediately after my head hit the pillow.  
  



	6. Even If I Die... part 6

~heero~  
  
So I sat in the shower. Waiting. Thinking. Hoping. For what? /Maybe I'm wrong?/ I shook my head, sending violent sprays of water toward the rest of the bathroom, since I had neglected to close the shower's sliding door. /Don't do this again! Don't delude yourself!/ My eyes shut tightly as I argued with myself, my fingers squeezing the small blade that I held once again. /Don't... don't give yourself that false hope again.../ I blinked. Water filled my vision, blurring everything around me. Looking down, I placed the blade against my wrist. /This is all I can do now. Perhaps it will make the both of us happy.../   
  
~duo~  
  
Like that morning, I didn't sleep for long. How annoying this was becoming. Not only did my life become a living hell, but I couldn't even escape it in sleep. Blinking my eyes open I flopped onto my back, suddenly quite interested in the ceiling light fixture. I looked at my watch. It was only about a half an hour later and the shower was still going... but I had no idea how long he'd been in there before I got home. /Have you been in the shower all day?/   
I entertained the silly little thought for a moment, picturing Heero as a shriveled little prune of a boy when he finally came out of the bathroom. A quick glance around, however, told me that he'd been out of the shower at least long enough to straighten the room a bit. The clothes that were on the floor were gone, and his bedsheets were wrinkled. /Did you sleep all day, then?/ I bit my lip as I began to wonder what he'd done all day. Had he thought about me? I was sure he hated me by then... Biting hard, I closed my eyes and flopped over again, burying my face into the pillow, trying not to think of him.   
  
~heero~  
  
At the first cut, I winced, but it became painless. I had placed the blade at my wrist, at the place where my palm ended. Picturing him, it was easy to press down, and puncture that place. I winced because it hurt, but the pain in my chest soon made the pain in my arm almost totally unnoticable.   
I had no idea whether I hated him or not. I knew that I loved him, however, and that I loved him more than my very life.   
/Duo... how could you do this to me?/ But that was silly. He hadn't done anything to me. It was me sitting there, dripping my life away... It was me who had allowed that small hope in the first place. He didn't make me want him to love me... and he didn't make me so vulnerable as to believe that he did. This was all my fault.   
Moving slowly, the hand holding the blade started a journey. It headed toward the inside of my elbow, following the blood vessel that was now bulging in my forearm. Unable at first to find it, that vein, I panicked, finally tensing all my muscles as I tried to figure out what to do. That showed me the correct path, and I was now following it. At brief moments, the water around me was tinged with red, becoming pink, then finally clear again. By now I wasn't seeing anything, though. My eyes, though still opened, perceived nothing around me, instead focusing only on his mocking, laughing face that I now saw before me yet again.   
  
~duo~  
  
Of course it didn't work. All I could think about was him, no matter what efforts I used against it. /Heero.../   
The shower was still going.   
I turned over and stared at the ceiling again. His face appeared there, smiling at me. It was the smile that he'd shown me the night before... right before he turned and buried himself in my embrace, falling asleep in my arms.   
/He must hate me so much. But why? Because I love him?/ I tried to find answers. I hadn't thought about it earlier, but now I wanted to know. Almost curious enough to go to the bathroom door and demand he come out and tell me, in fact. Of course I didn't do that. I just lay there, placed my hands behind my head and stared at the ceiling, speculating.   
/Perhaps he's not... like that. Maybe I offended him. But then... why was he with me then? And why did he sleep with me? He -was- still there when I woke up.../ I'd succeeded in completely confusing myself. He was there when I woke up, and I had given him chance to leave before. Yet he'd stayed...   
Then I tried it again.. tried giving him a chance to leave. He took that one. I was entirely baffled. /Maybe he thought I wanted him to leave... since I let go of him so much. Maybe this is all my fault.../ I shifted a little and placed an arm over my eyes, pondering that last thought. /Maybe he -does- love me.../   
  
~heero~  
  
I began then to feel sick. There was so much blood, and I was getting dizzy. The gash in my arm was now about a fourth of the way to my elbow. I had no idea how much you were supposed to cut, so I just kept going. My hand moved as if on auto-pilot, which I suppose that it was, since I was paying no mind to it anymore. All I could think about was Duo Maxwell. All I could see between the swirls of different colors and the vertigo spells was his face. His face... smiling at me, laughing at me, mocking me, laughing at me... even more. All I heard from all these faces was one sentence: Ai shiteru, Heero-chan. Ai shiteru... ai shiteru...  
Things were beginning to fade. First I would see blackness mingled with the dizziness and Duo's face.. then there would be moments when I couldn't hear the shower. My body had long been numb. The water had grown ice cold as I sat there, but I couldn't even feel myself shaking. Almost as if I were in a dream, I began to hear his voice... a different sentence: Heero, come out.   
Then a pounding started. I stopped hearing the water altogether. I had no idea whether my hand was still traveling the bloody path up my arm anymore. All that existed in my world then, was his voice.   
And then that too disappeared... and all was black and silent. 


	7. Even If I Die... part 7

~ duo ~  
  
Sighing I turned toward the bathroom door, waiting for any sign that Heero was going to come out soon. Seeing none, I turned back over and closed my eyes, snuggling against my pillow. /It still smells like him.../ I couldn't help but think of him again, everything still carried his scent. I remembered once again his smile before I drifted off to sleep.  
  
~ person ~  
  
Neatly tiptoeing up the stairs, I reached the apartment door that I now knew so well. I sighed, reaching into a pocket in my pants. After fishing around a bit I pulled out a small silvery key, which I squeezed lovingly for a moment before inserting it into the lock and silently opening the door. /Ah.../ I saw him laying on the bed, amid a mound of clothing and sheets, still fully dressed except for his shoes.   
Smiling, all thought left my head as I stealthily slipped over to him; not an easy task considering that his part of the room was covered in everything imaginable. It almost looked like he even went out and bought more stuff just to put it on the floor. Somehow I made it, though, quiet as a thief, only my quarry wasn't any material item. When I reached the bed I slipped off my shoes and softly lay down next to him.   
I snuggled up against his back, wrapping an arm around his waist and gently placed my chin on his shoulder. Pulling him closer to me, hugging him tightly I whispered into his ear, "I've missed you, my Duo-chan."  
  
~ duo ~   
  
Waking suddenly, covered in sweat and heart racing I tried to sit straight up, but found that I could not move. /Oh my god... what the hell??/ My eyes were as wide as Frisbees as I breathed heavily, hyperventilating a bit until I looked down... and recognized the arm clasping my waist.   
Suddenly it occurred to me that I hadn't screamed. A sudden thought, with no real significance... yet I wondered why. /....my Duo-chan?/ Ha. That was why... subconsciously I already knew who it was. I smiled with relief and lay back down.   
About a second later I was bolt upright, this time with enough strength to break the hold that kept me horizontal before.   
"Quatre!" I turned to face the blond lying there on my bed, smiling up at me.   
  
~ quatre ~   
  
I had startled him. I hadn't meant to, but apparently I hadn't quite remembered how heavily he could sleep. I remembered that he often slept lightly and so my whispering wouldn't shock him so much. But this time, it seems, he was very deeply asleep. Perhaps he'd thought I was an intruder, bent on ravaging his beautiful body. Well... I was. /Hehee.../ But when he finally realised it was me and turned, I simply smiled. I really had missed him, even though it had only been three days.   
He looked very surprised, usually I call first before coming over. But I had been calling all day with no answer, of course I had come and make sure my Love was alright.   
"Hello!" I bounced up and sat cross-legged in front of him. He continued to watch me, mouth wide open as if he were still in shock from my failed surprise. "Duo?" I waved a hand in front of his face. Gazing into those tire-sized cobalt blue eyes, I could only do one thing: I changed position so that I was on my knees, wrapped my arms around his neck, and pressed my lips against his. Pushing him back into the sheets, I deepened the kiss, finally getting a response from him. He placed his hands on my hips and pulled me down with him, kissing back with an equal passion. Draping a sheet over ourselves, we quickly undressed.   
  
~ duo ~   
  
I had no idea what to say. /Quatre..../ I simply stared at him, so full of guilt I could hardly move. Either he didn't notice, or didn't -want- to notice; he seemed very happy at seeing me again. I tried to will myself to at least pretend to smile, but my expression wouldn't change. I wanted to crawl under the bed and die.   
Suddenly he was kissing me, and my body reacted long before my mind did. Of course, it was used to this. Not resisting at all, my body let Quatre lay it down on the sheets, his kiss finally awakening my mind. I wanted so desperately to push him away... to tell him all that had happened in the three days since we'd last been together. I couldn't, however. As always, he'd made me so weak. And all I could do was give myself over to the passion he caused to well up within me, finally letting it spill over, calling his name over and over again.   
  
~ quatre ~  
  
"I love you." I'd told him as he lay next to me, his head on my chest, still panting.   
"I love you, too." He had said back, punctuating the sentence with a kiss to my collarbone. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and held him closer. Wrapping his own arms around my waist he clung, closing his eyes and sighing contentedly. "I love you so very much..." he was whispering into my neck as he fell asleep. Grasping a sheet I covered the both of us again and closed my eyes too, drifting into a sated sleep, vaguely noticing that a noise- shower perhaps?- was coming from the bathroom. Groggily I decided that it must have been Heero, taking his nightly shower before bed, then I was asleep.  



	8. Even If I Die... part 8

~duo~  
  
I awoke first, blinking and confused as to what was going on. There was an arm around me.. and what I was laying against was not my pillow. Slowly everything came back to me. /Oh no..../ I looked up at Quatre's angelic face, the moonlight shining off his porcelain features perfectly, making him beautiful enough to be a painting. Suddenly I was aware that Heero was -still- in the shower. Glancing at my watch only made me very nervous; he'd been in there for way too long.  
I climbed off of Quatre and flounced off the bed rather awkwardly. I didn't care if I woke Quatre, I was in a hurry. Running to the door, I managed to trip over a shoe. /Brilliant./ As I quickly rose to my feet and continued to the bathroom, I could hear Quatre slipping off the bed himself.   
  
~quatre~   
  
/Oh no.../ Something was terribly wrong. I thought I felt it in my sleep, and it kept me from sleeping very deeply. It was confirmed when I felt Duo jumping off the bed, then heard him head toward the bathroom. /Oh my..../ My eyes went wide and my hand rose to my mouth before I finally gathered the sense to run to the bathroom myself and start pounding on the door.   
/This pain.../ The pain was becoming unbearable, traveling through my entire body, making each tiny little blood vessel feel like it was on fire. My body began to shake. I stopped hitting the door and turned to Duo, ready to cry. I knew what caused this pain, but somehow I couldn't believe Heero was dying. Part of me did believe it, but I quickly glanced back, looking around the room for something to open the door with.   
Finally it dawned on me that Heero probably kept his guns somewhere near his bed. I ran across the room, intending to tear that part of the room to bits if I had to in order to find them.  
  
~duo~  
  
My eyes followed Quatre across the room, my hands leaving the door as well. At first I couldn't figure out what Quatre was doing, but soon I realised. Running across the room myself, I joined him next to Heero's bed, heading straight for the floor. I knew Heero kept his guns in a metal case in a secret compartment he had built under the bed.  
I was in a panic. I knew that Heero had been in the shower since before I got home. And Quatre and I... /Oh God.../ Guilt drenched me as I thought about them. I had betrayed Quatre by falling in love with Heero... /Heero.../ And now God knows what could have happened to Heero while I lay so blissfully content with Quatre, only a few feet away.  
A hot salty wetness began a path down my face, followed by a few more. Finally I had managed to figure out Heero's combination and I opened the metal box, handing a random gun to Quatre.  
Standing, I tried to push everything out of my mind. I knew Quatre could feel my pain, and as I didn't even deserve to have it, /I brought this all on myself..../ I didn't want him to have to deal with it too. Quatre made sure the gun was loaded, and we sprinted back to the bathroom, shouting Heero's name, hoping he'd hear us and open the door.. and let us know we were overreacting.. and that he was only taking a very long shower to get rid of the stress of the day.   
Of course, that was stupid. If he didn't hear the banging, he wouldn't hear us yelling. But we did it anyway, reaching the door very quickly.   
  
~quatre~  
  
Duo was upset. He tried to pretend he wasn't.. but I could tell. His pain mingled with Heero's inside my chest and suddenly I wasn't sure if I could handle any more. He handed me a gun and I made sure it had bullets, then we ran back to the bathroom.   
"Heero!" we yelled at the top of our lungs, but of course, he didn't hear us. Finally I gently pushed Duo away from the door, leveling the gun at the doorknob.   
I shot once, which did hit the stem of the doorknob, but didn't do much to it, so I turned and aimed at the hinges. After a couple of shots the wood around the top hinge splintered and the metal simply fell off. I repeated the process with the bottom hinge, then tossed the gun away.   
Duo rejoined me at the door, and we pulled at it from the broken side, shouting Heero's name again.   



	9. Even If I Die... part 9

~duo~  
  
/Heero... please be alright!/ I knew I would never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to him. Just the thought of anything so bad... while I was so close... Shaking my head, I put more strength into the pulling, and we finally got the door away from the frame, letting it drop to the side. Pulling at it even more, Quatre pushed in beside me, then past me- what I'd seen the moment I let go of the door had frozen my body in place. /..n..no....Heero..../ My breathing suddenly became very very noticable to me now, each one ringing louder and louder in my ears. My eyes refused to move, lids frozen along with the rest of my body, unblinking. I was forced to stare ahead.. toward the unmoving body of Heero in the bathtub. I don't know what happened next. The scenes that happened after I felt Quatre brush by came like shattered bits of a dream... like a movie that's on when you're falling asleep.. and you really want to watch, but you're falling asleep...   
I saw Quatre blink back at me. I saw Heero underneath a steady stream of water, not moving. I saw Quatre move toward me again. I saw Heero.. still unmoving.. slumped over. I saw a small metal object gleaming in the light from inside the tub. I saw Quatre again, his mouth moving in slow, soundless patterns. I saw Quatre shaking Heero- the water had been turned off.. perhaps in a piece of memory I lost... Finally... I saw black. Nothing at all.  
  
~quatre~  
  
/Oh... Duo../ I knew it was bad, but not how bad. I didn't know until I finally got past the door and past an immobile Duo. It didn't surprise me, though. Inside, I knew what was inside the little room was not going to be pretty. Yes, it was a little shocking to see Duo so upset that he couldn't.. or wouldn't.. move, but I didn't push him. I needed to tend to Heero first. Pushing past Duo with a small glance back, I closed my eyes and dropped to the floor once I actually saw Heero. /NO!/ My mind screamed. My heart screamed. Every bit of me shrieked in horror.. and guilt.. and pain. And fear. I could feel Heero's pain earlier- it was what woke me up from that sin-induced slumber.. but now I felt nothing. /...It can't be.../   
I looked back at Duo again.. he seemed to have died as well, even as he was standing there. In his eyes was nothing but a dullness that I cannot even begin to describe. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to know what had happened. But I had to be the level-headed one. Running past Duo again, I phoned Trowa. I had to take deep breaths... it was hard to stay so composed in the midst of this, but they needed me to. Trowa would be able to come get Heero and take him to a paramedic.. it would be too risky to go to any random hospital.  
I don't know how, frankly, but I managed to explain rather calmly what we'd found in the bathroom, and once Trowa assured me he was on his way, I couldn't help but crumple next to the phone, biting my lip to keep from crying. After a few comforting words from Trowa, I realised that I still couldn't afford this.. this time had to be spent getting Heero okay again. I hung up the phone and headed back to the bathroom. This time I tried to snap Duo out of his daze, but it didn't seem to work. Turning off the icy cold water that now ran over Heero's unconscious /please... please only be unconscious!/ form, I began to shake him... hoping to rouse him that way. It was futile, I knew, but I had to try... With no progress, all I could do was sit next to the tub and wait for Trowa.   
  
~duo~  
  
I remember black.. it was a colour that I was well acquainted with, so I didn't really mind it. It was quite comforting, actually. During the time I was hanging out with Black, I didn't think about Heero. I didn't think about Quatre. I didn't think about the pain I had caused them both. Why Heero would want to die... I didn't know, but I had an idea that he probably thought I'd used him that night... I couldn't possibly think of why it would drive him to such a thing, but then again.. I wasn't thinking about that anyway. I was only thinking of Black. Quatre... how many times had I told him that I loved him more than my very life? He always laughed and pointed out that I didn't seem to have very high regard for my life to begin with.. and we'd laugh.. but we both knew what I meant. Could he possibly know of what had happened between Heero and me? I'd seen death millions of times... Hell, I'd seen Heero in this particular state more than once.. so could Quatre have picked up why this particular time had broken me? It didn't matter. Right then, all that did matter was Black. The next time I awoke, all these thoughts would assault me.. but for that moment.. it was Black that filled my head.   
  
I did have questions. Black had answers, too. Well, it had one answer: Because.  
I wanted to know why I was there.. in that room full of Black. Because.  
I needed to know why I wasn't with Heero. Because.  
I demanded to know why I was being kept there. Because.  
But through all of that, I was never angry.. never wishing I could leave. In this place, I knew that my body was elsewhere, holding onto Heero and sleeping in a blissful peace. Even so, I still didn't want to leave. Black was my one true friend, and here it was to sit with me, to chat with me. Black and I go aways back. It's always been there for me, and here it was now. I couldn't possibly stand to leave my friend again.   
  
Maybe there was some sane part of me that knew what was really going on. Maybe that was where those questions came from, but I didn't dwell on it.. I was happy with my old buddy Black.  
  
~quatre~  
  
I moved again.. this time to try and lift Heero from the tub. It hurt to know that I couldn't because I was still tired.. still worn out from the time I'd spent with Duo.. just a few feet away as Heero sat there dying. Not that that was the only reason.. but at the moment, it was all I could put blame on. I hated myself. The sound of a body falling caught my attention, and I turned toward it to find that Duo no longer stood there dazed.. instead laying in a crumpled heap in the doorway.. still dazed, though. Sitting back onto the floor, I held Heero's hand for a while, then crawled over to drag Duo nearby. Positioning him so that I could cradle his limp body in my arms, I leaned against the tub again, listening and watching Heero, hoping for some small miracle to cause a finger to twitch.. or an eyelid to quiver.. something. Tears threatened to come again as my eyes traveled along his face.. eyes red around the outside- they were closed.. so I couldn't see inside.. cheeks puffy.. either from the shower, or he'd been crying.. I had no idea.. His lips were bluish, and I could see smudges of blood that hadn't been quite washed away on his shirt. Inside the tub, the light was glinting off the very instrument used.. the small silver razor laying next to Heero's foot.   
I pushed those tears away and closed my eyes. Trowa would come soon. Trowa would come and take Heero to where he could get better. Heero had lived through too much for -this- to kill him. I whispered these words over and over to my love, still unconscious, cradled within my arms. I couldn't figure out why this particular incident had affected him so, but I would comfort him as best as I could... it was sorta comforting to myself, too.  
  
After a while, I'd also fallen asleep, and when I awoke, I was in a small room. Laying on a cot, I nearly panicked as I realised I couldn't find Duo. Trowa sat across from me, in a chair. Offering me a steaming cup, he nodded oh so slightly, then looked off toward another room across the hall. "This is the infirmary." And it was all he said. I took the cup to discover that inside was my favourite brand of tea. It was all he needed to say. From that short sentence, I gathered that we were in the circus' infirmary trailer, and that Duo and Heero had both been taken to where they could be seen to. It answered almost all of my questions. I needed more details, though. I was confident that Heero was receiving care. If not, Trowa would have informed me of that first of all. /If Heero was... unable... to receive care... if Heero had... died.../ I know guilt flashed across my face. I didn't tell Trowa everything on the phone. I only told him about Heero's condition.  
With that guilty feeling weighing down my entire being, I raised my eyes from the cup and took a deep breath.   
"Where's Duo?"  
It cut me.. much like Heero's pain had when I had awakened. Trowa didn't move.. he hardly flinched, but I knew that pain was his. With as calm an expression as ever, he moved one hand to point toward the door.. directly across was another infirmary trailer. I figured he meant Duo was resting in there, and hopped off the cot to go find out, leaving the teacup in my place.


End file.
